Weep for yourself, my man
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself
Take all the courage you have left
Waste it on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Tremble for yourself, my man
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble little lion man
You'll never settle any of your score
Your grace is wasted in your face
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Learn from your mother
Or else spend your days biting your own neck
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
This song is one of those pieces of music that I can listen to over and over and over and never get sick of it. Mumford and Sons really know how to make music. Marcus Oliver Johnston Mumford (yes I used his full name) has such a raw sounding voice that gives conviction to what he sings. And they mandolin and banjo add a folk sound to it, which makes it so much more...unique. I could go on for days about this song, but I'll just leave it at the fact that this song explains how I feel about 93% of all of my relationships.
As long as I can remember, I've been taking the blame for all failed relationships I've been in. And what I mean by "taking the blame" is that I take on the burden of being the one that is the reason it didn't work out or things went wrong. I think it is because I hate seeing people upset and broken. So I don't want anyone to think that it is their fault. I'm sure you're thinking that this is obviously not a good thing. Well, you're right. I've been taking the blame for some pretty ridiculous things in the past, including things that were obviously not my fault.
I was cheated on multiple times in a relationship with a guy that I gave my full trust to. He reassured me every day that his best friend (also his ex) was just a friend and nothing more. But I soon found out that he has been cheating on me since day one of our four month relationship. I should have broken up with him when I found out, but I didn't. I kept it going for another month or so and I truly believed that he had changed. Well, that didn't happen. He cheated on me again. The funny things is, he is the one that broke up with me because he didn't want a relationship in college (which was later disproved when he was in two more relationships during his first year. When I found out he cheated on me, I was quick to blame him and the other girl. But then I switched the blame to myself. I thought that it was something I did and that it was my fault that he cheated. This was a semi-long distance relationship (he lived 2ish hours away) so we only saw each other a couple times a week. Thinking back, the only person to blame was him. The other girl didn't know what to do because he had lied to her and said that he was going to end it with me. I blamed myself for months after we broke up and it took me a while to get over him. I soon became hostile and rude to him at every moment possible. I refused to hangout with my friends because he would be there too. I was pushing people away just because I was blaming myself for trusting someone like him. But this past New Years, I decided to suck it up and just make amends. I mean, its not like we are best friends or anything, but we are civil and I've actually had a few conversations with him. He changed the way I trust people and he's made me more protective (maybe too protective) of my heart. I don't want to give him any credit for making me who I am today because the things he did are the most horrible things you can do to someone you care about, but he did play a part in making me stronger.
So in conclusion, blame is like a boomerang. I can throw it at someone else but it instantly comes back to be and I just can't seem to shake it. I need to straighten things out and learn when and where to throw the blame when necessary.
-krh
