Number 9.

I normally don't apologize for much. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. But in this situation, I feel like it is necessary.

A day ago I wrote a blog about being ignorant and closed minded. While I still stand by what I said, I think I went about it in the wrong way. I apologize to the person that it was directed towards. I know that we have had our differences (more differences than similarities unfortunately) and things have yet to take off with a friendship that we may or may not have. However, if you are willing, I feel like we can figure something out. This constant bickering that we both do (I am to blame as well, so don't think I am directing it just towards you) is hurting someone that we both care about deeply. So I feel that we need to do this for him. At least give it a shot. If we don't get along, then so be it. But at least if we fail, we gave it a try. Now I'm not saying that we need to go out and be lifelong friends, but it will help everyone in this situation.

I made a lot of mistakes these past few months. One of which you think is cheating. I'm not going to try and defend myself and say that what I did wasn't cheating, because we are all entitled to our own opinion. But it was agreed that if I did what I was asked and admit the things I have done to the people it involved, I would be given a chance to be forgiven. I have done what was asked of me and I am waiting for forgiveness. I didn't expect things to be perfect right away, but I feel like there is still some unnecessary tension between the two of us that should/could be taken care of if we both talk it out.

So I apologize for the things I said, did, implied or didn't do correctly. I am willing to put aside our differences and work something out. Even if it is a civil conversation about how to get along, anything will help. I hate being the bad guy in a situation, but I feel like I am the reason all of this is happening. If I would have been a grown-up between the months of November and December, this probably wouldn't be as big of an issue (or even an issue at all). You may or may not agree to this and you may have been laughing through this entire post thinking I'm pathetic, which I kind of am. But I feel like we can both start over and get on the same page with everything. If you agree to this, and are willing to work something out, you know how to get in contact with me.




-krh

Number 8.

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are




My best friend posted the song title to this on my Facebook. Its crazy how much she knows about me. I've actually been thinking a lot about what this song discusses. Leaving behind something to be remembered for. Something that has mad a lasting impression. As an artist, I think about that every day. But even when I'm not thinking about it in an artists perspective, I always wonder if people are going to remember me in regards to my personal life. Like, if I dropped dead today, how many people would miss me and come to my funeral? I'm sure a lot of people think about this, but I kind of think of it on a daily basis.

I mean what is it that makes me special? I don't do anything out of the ordinary or unique. The only thing people will probably miss about me is my sarcasm and weird sense of humor. This blog isn't going to be very long because I don't have a lot to elaborate on. But basically, I am going to start making lasting impressions on people. Sure, some of them may be bad, but I want to be remembered for the things I have done. Most people (artists, musicians, scientists) have to wait until they die in order to actually be respected. Which is rather upsetting, but if they created a masterpiece, its better late than never.






-krh

Number 7.

I have never been the type of person to alter my personality or the way I am just to please someone or to "fit in" to a certain situation. I am the way I am for a reason, and if you don't like it or can't accept it, then I really don't think that having you in my life is the best choice. I mean, I'm not saying that I'm never going to change the way I act, because I know how to be polite when I need to. But if someone doesn't like me because they "think I'm a bad person", then they are ignorant and aren't taking the time to actually get to know me. I would prefer it if they assumed those things, got to know me so they can check their facts, and IF they still believe that, then they can go about their life. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case.

I come off as rude and inconsiderate 65% of the time. Truth is, I'm just overly sarcastic because I don't see a point in showing my ENTIRE personal right off that bat. I'm not a horrible person, and anyone who has known me long enough can agree with that. I have a sensitive side and I get pretty emotional. But certain people who will be left unnamed don't seem to see that.

Sure, I've made some mistakes that are unforgivable. But last time I checked, NO ONE IS PERFECT. Now I'm not ranting about this person because I hate them, but because they are a perfect excuse for someone that can't get over their own issues with cheaters/liars/sarcasm and take the time to get to know someone. I'm sure it wouldn't kill you and if we end up not being friends, then so be it. But you'll never know until you try. Whether or not said person will read this is irrelevant. I doubt they will since they want nothing to do with me, but this is more of letting people know that being ignorant and close minded really isn't the best way to live your life. I did it for a while and then I realized that if you stay close minded your entire life, you won't get to experience things and meet people that have a different outlook on life.


I know that certain people reading this may or may not understand who this is about, but WHO doesn't really matter in this situation. The issue is WHY said person is choosing to give me the cold shoulder over and over. (I'll get immature and say that he/she has deleted/blocked and denied me on Facebook more times than I can remember.) I've told my friend Katie that I'm done trying at least four times. But this is my final time. I did nothing to this person that affected them personally. And the things that they think were personal (which were not) are over and done with and have been worked out.

So all in all, people need to get over themselves and get to know people before they jump to conclusions.







-krh

Number 6.

Weep for yourself, my man
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself
Take all the courage you have left
Waste it on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?

Tremble for yourself, my man
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble little lion man
You'll never settle any of your score
Your grace is wasted in your face
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Learn from your mother
Or else spend your days biting your own neck

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?



This song is one of those pieces of music that I can listen to over and over and over and never get sick of it. Mumford and Sons really know how to make music. Marcus Oliver Johnston Mumford (yes I used his full name) has such a raw sounding voice that gives conviction to what he sings. And they mandolin and banjo add a folk sound to it, which makes it so much more...unique. I could go on for days about this song, but I'll just leave it at the fact that this song explains how I feel about 93% of all of my relationships.

As long as I can remember, I've been taking the blame for all failed relationships I've been in. And what I mean by "taking the blame" is that I take on the burden of being the one that is the reason it didn't work out or things went wrong. I think it is because I hate seeing people upset and broken. So I don't want anyone to think that it is their fault. I'm sure you're thinking that this is obviously not a good thing. Well, you're right. I've been taking the blame for some pretty ridiculous things in the past, including things that were obviously not my fault.

I was cheated on multiple times in a relationship with a guy that I gave my full trust to. He reassured me every day that his best friend (also his ex) was just a friend and nothing more. But I soon found out that he has been cheating on me since day one of our four month relationship. I should have broken up with him when I found out, but I didn't. I kept it going for another month or so and I truly believed that he had changed. Well, that didn't happen. He cheated on me again. The funny things is, he is the one that broke up with me because he didn't want a relationship in college (which was later disproved when he was in two more relationships during his first year. When I found out he cheated on me, I was quick to blame him and the other girl. But then I switched the blame to myself. I thought that it was something I did and that it was my fault that he cheated. This was a semi-long distance relationship (he lived 2ish hours away) so we only saw each other a couple times a week. Thinking back, the only person to blame was him. The other girl didn't know what to do because he had lied to her and said that he was going to end it with me. I blamed myself for months after we broke up and it took me a while to get over him. I soon became hostile and rude to him at every moment possible. I refused to hangout with my friends because he would be there too. I was pushing people away just because I was blaming myself for trusting someone like him. But this past New Years, I decided to suck it up and just make amends. I mean, its not like we are best friends or anything, but we are civil and I've actually had a few conversations with him. He changed the way I trust people and he's made me more protective (maybe too protective) of my heart. I don't want to give him any credit for making me who I am today because the things he did are the most horrible things you can do to someone you care about, but he did play a part in making me stronger.

So in conclusion, blame is like a boomerang. I can throw it at someone else but it instantly comes back to be and I just can't seem to shake it. I need to straighten things out and learn when and where to throw the blame when necessary.




-krh

Number 5.

I've started writing this blog post about six times today and I always end up deleting it and doing something else until I figure out what it is that I want to write about. And then it dawned on me. I was listening to this song called "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri. The song is very powerful all on its own, but once you pair it with a personal story, it gets a little more intense. The same thing happened when I was listening to "If It Means A Lot to You" by A Day To Remember. Besides the fact that both of these songs reminded me of one person in particular, I realized that I have made a lot of choices that have drastically affected my life.

I have been thinking a lot about past relationships lately. Both romantically and friendshiply (I know that isn't a word). Throughout the years I've lost a lot of friends. Some of them are just people I lost contact with but have talked to them off and on. Some are just people that wrote me off entirely for dumb reasons. But the friends I have now are the friends I plan on keeping. They are the ones that have proven that they aren't going to bail on me and leave to when I need someone the most. I'll say that I have four solid friendships. Three of them are from high school and one is from this past year. I know that I can go to them for literally anything and they will have my back and support me.

In regards to romantic relationships, I won't be getting into details. But I will say that I don't have any regrets with the guys I have been involved with. I have become a stronger person because of these boys. Two boys in particular have really changed the way I look at love. The first is someone that I never would have expected to be involved with. We have so much in common that it is almost freaky. I met him randomly and honestly thought I was going to marry the kid. But then things changed and I realized that he was in no way the one I was supposed to be with. He had a lot of growing up to do (and still does) and I just really have no time to sit around and wait for him to do that. And now, on to the next guy that has changed my life.

I know it is cliché for me to say that my boyfriend has changed my life, but he truly has. I was never the type of person to go for a long distance relationship. I need physical contact with the person I am involved with in order to feel a connection and I have a bad history with semi-long distance relationships and being cheated on (but I'll save that for another post). But something about Ryan changed my mind. He has made me see that love knows no distance, and that simple communication, trust and love can really make a relationship work, no matter how far away we are from each other. He accepts me for who I am and he doesn't want to see me change or be happy. We've been through quite a lot with each other and our relationship definitely was not started in a conventional way. But he gets me. I know I am only 19 and I have my whole life ahead of me, but I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I feel like Ryan and I will be together for a long time.

Enough about that. I feel like I was just rambling. I thought that my blog post after the weekend was going to be a lot more exciting, but I kind of let myself down. Maybe tomorrow will be better...



-krh

Number 4.

Well good morning. I would have written most of this last night, but I had a rough night and fell asleep on the couch watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I'll tell you what, if you want some crazy dreams, fall asleep to that movie.

As many of you know (or don't know) I teach cymbals at a local high school here. I used to love teaching cymbals, but for some reason, as of lately, I'm starting to lose that passion. I'm not sure why, but it is happening. So unfortunately, I haven't been teaching very well and I haven't been pushing my kids very hard. Well at least not as hard as I could have. So now that its getting down to crunch time, I've been getting...frustrated...with their lack of memorization and ability to tell me what their drill sets are. Granted, these things aren't something that I can do to help them. These kids are in high school, I shouldn't have to hold their hands and help them memorize music. But alas, it seems like it is my fault that they are struggling. It also probably doesn't help that NONE of these kids are natural percussionists. They are all horn players, and one girl has never even marched before. So maybe I expected too much of them right away.

I was talking to my friend Leo who teaches the guard at the same high school I teach at. I told him that I have such a passion for teaching visual, and that one of the only things that is holding me back from going and teaching a colorguard is well, the actual knowledge of colorguard technique. Leo said that he could teach me the basics so I know what to look for and how to make it look good. I may take him up on this offer. I feel like teaching colorguard/visual is going to get me farther in this whole teaching situation. I don't want to make this a career by any means, but it is something I enjoy and something I am pretty good at. So I guess I just have a lot to think about.

On another note, there are three bands that I've been listening to nonstop for the past week or so. The first is Marianas Trench. I had never even heard of this band before I started talking to my boyfriend (who wasn't my boyfriend at the time of this amazing music discovery). There is something about their harmonizing that draws me in every time. I can't even listen to it when I do homework because I just end up paying attention to the music instead. The next band is Amely. I can almost guarantee that you have never heard of them. But again, their harmonizing and melodies just pull me in and really speak to me. I am a big sucker for singers that have a big range in their voice. And Amely is just another one to add to the list.

The last band deserves its own paragraph. If you've know me for a while you'll know how much I love the band Bayside. Most people have a band that they can say has saved their life. Bayside would be mine. While some of their music isn't exactly...motivational...it lets me know that I'm not alone. Anthony Raneri is a god in my mind. His lyrics and his voice have such meaning and he isn't afraid to throw curse words into a song to show how he really feels.

But anyway, enough about my music obsessions. I have a show this weekend. First one of the season. I'm excited and nervous. But mostly nervous. We'll see how this goes and I'll update my blog on Sunday or Monday.








-krh

Number 3.

I'm going to start this blog post off with a little information.

A 2006 a study done by the  Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology found that 24% of Americans between 18 and 50 are tattooed; that's almost one in four. And the survey showed that about 36% of Americans age 18 to 29 have at least one tattoo! (http://www.vanishingtattoo.com/tattoo_facts.htm)

Crazy huh? Personally, I had no idea the number was that high. The reason I am bringing this up is because in my Mythology class, we were switched in our groups and the people I am sitting with have tattoos. All three of them. One girl has three. Another has four. And the guy at the table has one and is getting another one this weekend. It wasn't too long ago that having a tattoo seemed rebellious. But now, wherever I go, I seem like the outcast because I don't have tattoos OR any piercings other than my ears. Society is all sorts of bass ackwards lately. Being economically savvy doesn't even seem to have a solid place in this world. If you have a hybrid car, you are respected. But if you shop at a thrift store, you're considered cheap.

I'll just do what I want and buy clothes where I want to. I can honestly say that the most expensive item of clothing I bought was my prom dress, which was only about $80. And I've worn it probably five other times. You can only wear your jeans from Abercrombie in the winter time.


-krh